I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
