Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I deserve to be covered in dicks
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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