i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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