dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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