If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
