If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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