It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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