please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
