My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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