All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
