She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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