i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
