barbara walters just said penis...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
