he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
