I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
