i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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