Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
