I faked an abortion last night.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Randomize
