I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
