I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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