My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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