where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
