Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
