I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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