I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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