i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
