My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
