You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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