I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
