i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
