My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
