Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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