Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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