the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
