Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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