Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
