I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
