Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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