We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
