the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
