My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
