I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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