oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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