You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
