I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
