Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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