my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
