was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
