me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
