rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
