Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
