I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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