dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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