I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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