Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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