A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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