new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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