Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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