Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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