You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
3pm strippers are depressing
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize